October 29, 2009

Disney Princes

Pose, Prince Eric, pose!
Okay, since most of my hits to this site seem to come from Google searches for naked gay cadets or through links to pictures of Disney mice, I thought I'd blend two of my obsessions and feature these lovely fan art images of Disney Princes by David Kawena that have been making the rounds on horny, creepy blogs like mine.

First up there is Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid, who is widely considered the hottest of the modern Disney princes. I have to agree -- there's something about his rangy, jocky body language that speaks of a comfort with himself, and of course there's his black hair and bright blue eyes, always a favorite combination. No surprise Kawena portrayed him in the typical current underwear model pose, very Justin Gaston.

Funny story about Prince Eric -- in grad school I was rather obsessed with him, or finding his real-life doppelganger -- and I hatched a fantasy plan to buy a Prince Eric blow-up doll. This amused me and my friends greatly at the time, to the point where one day in the mall, spurred by my friends' horror at the idea, I went into a Disney Store and actually asked the counter girl whether the Prince Eric blow-up dolls were available yet.

So handsome when he's brainwashed.
"For sex?" she shrieked.

We still giggle over her reaction, fifteen years later.

The interesting thing is that The Little Mermaid is all about sex, really. Why does Ariel want legs? So she can spread 'em, basically. It's actually a freaky story, with a fish woman trading her voice in order to be sexually available to a man. I particularly enjoy the finale, in which, after Ursula the Sea Witch (who can be seen as a Mother Nature vilification) dominates the patriarchal and overbearing King Triton and captures him under her control, Prince Eric saves the day by stabbing Ursula in the womb with the mast of his ship. Um, wow.

Prince Phillip Unzipped
My second-favorite Disney prince would have to be Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty, but I think that has less to do with Phillip himself than with the overall quality of the movie, which stands up there as perhaps the best classic animated Disney movie of them all. It's got one of the most interesting mythological fairy-tale storylines, along with the adorable Good Fairies, and a truly scary villain in Maleficent. One of the big problems is that Aurora, Sleeping Beauty herself, is asleep most of the time! But otherwise it's a funny, touching, exciting movie that says something intrinsic about Western attitudes toward romance.

Apparently, Phillip also has an awesome ass.

Little Phillip Riding Hood
Sure, the animated Phillip is cute, in his blond, fey blandness.

I know you.
I've always dug Once Upon a Dream, his duet with Aurora, and his horse Sampson has loads of personality.

Prince Phillip Beckham
But of course it's his battle with Maleficent, after braving the thorns, when he defeats her in her dragon form, that really made me swoon as a young gayboy. Yes, I realize that I'm buying into all kinds of patriarchal damsel-in-distress fantasies . . . so?

Prince Phillip Efron
I'm just adding this picture of Zac-as-Phillip and his beard because it exists. I think he's supposed to be Phillip, anyway . . . why else would Vanessa be sleeping? Or maybe he's supposed to be The Prince from Snow White, after Snow White has eaten the apple. Wouldn't there be some kind of half-eaten apple in the picture, then? Or maybe a dwarf lurking nearby? It's really a surprisingly generic prince image.

The Prince. Yawn.
The first Disney prince, from Snow White, doesn't even have a name. Still, I found him intriguing as an ur-suitor, but man, other than his duet in I'm Wishing, there's not much to him. But he's the object in the song Someday My Prince Will Come, and his importance in the canon cannot be ignored.

Prince Charming. Yawn, again.
Similarly, Prince Charming in Cinderella doesn't have much personality (he barely moves), but he's Prince Charming, duh.

Erotic Aladdin.
I admit to having had a full-blown crush on Aladdin, and I was haunted by dreams of him after seeing the movie. His exotic Arabic adorableness was combined in the animation with the features of Tom Cruise, an extremely potent mixture at the time. (Before Tom went insane.) Plus Aladdin is active and charming and funny.

Humiliate the Boy.
One of the scariest things about Aladdin is his opposition by villainous Jafar, an obvious homosexual, who nevertheless wishes to marry Jasmine (for political rather than sexual gain). I'm hoping that Disney stops making their worst villains gay-acting. I find it fascinating that the lyricist Howard Ashman, who was dying of AIDS at the time he was writing Aladdin, originally planned a song called Humiliate the Boy for Jafar. Disney cut the song, as perhaps that gay subtext was pushed up too far into text.

Bad Aladdin.
Jennifer Lopez makes a fine Princess Jasmine, but Mark Anthony as Aladdin? Ew.

Fetish Edward
Prince Edward from Enchanted is a doofus, but at least he's a handsome doofus. Assless chaps seem appropriate for a prince of such unbridled earnestness.

Actual Edward.
James Marsden was born to play a Disney Prince.

Sexy Beast.
My favorite modern Disney movie is Beauty and the Beast, but that has little to do with the disenchanted prince himself, and much more to do with the songs and the heroine and the stunning functionality of the story.

Turn around, bright eyes.
The reveal at the end of the movie when the Beast transforms is deeply disappointing.

Or maybe I'm just not that into redheads.

No, it's disappointing.

More appealing as the Beast!
After all, the entire movie is a motion toward Belle falling in love with a beast, and making a monster seem cute and cuddly. His transformation back into a human was a letdown, and when he turns around, I remember thinking, ugh. Even Belle herself doesn't even bother to hide her disappointment, and she visibly settles for a prince who was weirdly less attractive than he was when he was under a supposedly terrible curse.

Especially good at expectorating.
Of course, the movie twists the notions of attractiveness by making the villain, Gaston, a total hottie and a major douchebag. This image by Laurent Chatry illustrates both qualities of Gaston nicely. Plus I just adore Gaston's ode to his own braggadocio, Gaston.

Minor God.
Sure, Hercules is hot. It was kind of a dull movie, though, despite Eddie Murphy's best efforts.

Any different?
Tarzan swoops around in a loincloth anyway, so seeing him in his underwear isn't exactly an erotic shock.

Geek chic.
I thought Milo was pretty cute in Atlantis: The Lost Empire, but boy-oh-boy did that movie barely make any sense whatsoever. It's criminally boring to boot.

Capt. Smith in panties.
Speaking of boring Disney movies, here's Captain John Smith from Pocohontas. That movie had no magic at all. Besides, he's voiced by Mel Gibson, who's also gone insane.

I didn't even remember Kocoum in Pocohontas. Maybe I was nodding off at that point.

Not the hunchback.
Here's Phoebus from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, another Disney snoozer from their earnestly historical era.

Barely wearing a stitch.
I find Lilo and Stitch a crazy, creepy flick, and I certainly didn't lust after the square David in it. But here he is in his undies.

Ha! Ha! HA! I can honestly say I never wanted to see Captain Hook in his skivvies.

This image is also by Laurent Chatry.

Once a frog.
This is Naveen, the Prince in the upcoming The Princess and the Frog. I'm guessing this is after he has been transformed back into a dude. Apparently, he's voiced by the Brazilian Bruno Campos, and he and the Princess Tiana share the first interracial Disney kiss. Which, of course, is only possible since Tiana is the first princess to be any race other than, um . . . snow white.


Damn, Naveen is hung.
Here's the newest Kawena portrait, of Naveen from The Princess and the Frog. It's just about NSFW, isn't it? Naveen is just adorable in the movie, but this portrait takes his sexiness to a new level. That's no little frog in his wet undies! It's a bullfrog!

Before the orgy.

The above image embiggens greatly.

Who's your favorite Disney prince?

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